Saw this lovely ad on my kindle. There are so many things beautiful about this.
1. The amount of times Timothious is written. On the cover of the book alone, it is 3/7ths of all the text. That’s around 42%. Basically the cover says poems by Timothious by Timothious Smith and also here’s the name Timothious Smith again.
2. That cover. I’m guessing by the clues left on the cover that the cover image is none other than Timothious Smith. We have a face to the man behind the words “Poems by Timothious Smith”. The image is of him looking sad, with flowers held low in his hand. Through this we learn a few things. One: This is how he chose to present himself. Two: He probably had a friend take this picture and probably had a lot of outtakes and this was the best he could get, on what must have been a low res camera phone. Three: The dejected flower holding pose reveals what a Timothious Smith poem might be about, heartbreak or a trip to the florist.
3. The synopsis. Here we confirm what happens if you read “Poems by Timothious Smith” as the description below says “Read Poems by Timothious.” Not only that, “This are love poems.” There is a disconnect in verb and noun plurality which to me says either he didn’t bother editing and just submitted this, and probably the poems inside, in a first draft state. Or it says that English might not be his native or first language. At this point, I’m hoping for the latter because it leads to the possibility of Timothious Smith having a Tommy Wiseau like mysterious back story from parts unknown, but instead of mysterious money, he just had the resources for this picture and self publishing a book on Amazon. But honestly it’s definitely the former. He totally just didn’t proofread when he submitted this.
4. The reveals. The synopsis also reveals that he wrote the synopsis and did not try to hide or play coy with it like other authors. Just straight up says this is about “women whom have come into my life”. We also confirm what the flowers hinted at, that these are love poems about “several women”. OH BOY and guess what? It comes in audio book form too!!! Which I’m guessing is read by….you guessed it, Timothious Smith.
5. Okay but like I totally googled the guy and #3 is totally off. He’s really a much older man and that means he totally hired a model for this or found someone who would do it for free. He’s like over 40 and looks very different on Goodreads. So I’m changing my thoughts from that he had a friend take the picture to he took it himself by having his nephew pose for him at a family gathering. And I totally buried the lead because this is his picture on Amazon:
And yes, he has an overly long about the author. And no, of course the swords and gi are not explained in it.
I’m really upset this didn’t end with you buying the book or audiobook and treating us to excerpts
I’ll be honest with you, I considered both but was very tired after a full weekend and did neither when I wrote this. If there wasn’t already an audiobook, I was tempted to record my own and send it to him Timothious. But holy shit look at this stanza from the Amazon sample:
Can “Adventure and Chucklings” be the new Netflix and Chill? Let’s make this happen. Let’s doeth.
But also why go with “scabbard, bucklings” and not “shield, and sheath” which could have opened up the usage of variations of “-neath” to tie into showing his bare soul or open up a better range of approximate rhyme than “chucklings” ever could, with the addition of a shield adding a modicum of protection on this adventure? I’d say this poem doeth complex my brain, but it doesn’t. It’s pretty clear he’s a bad writer. But also let me make it clear that I will ghostwrite any book of poetry for TImothious Smith.
20 minutes into Adventure and Chucklings and he gives you this look
He offered me chucklings but I complex-brainzoned him
I told him no-eth and sent him to the wrong tower and wind swept sea
Mooncustafer 