Japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and its ~*~BEAUTIFUL~*~
In the year negative a billion japan might not have been here
In the year negative 40,000 it was here. and you could walk to it. and some people walked to it.
then it got warmer some icebergs melted it became an island and now there’s lots of TREES!!! !! !!! ! ! because it’s warmer
so now there’s people on the island they’re basically sort of hanging out in between the mountains eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology
like stones
and bowls
DING DONG it’s the outside world and they have technology from the future
like really good metal
and CRAZY RICE FARMS
now you can make a lot of rice really really quickly
that means if you own the farm, you own a lot of food, which is something Everybody Needs to S U R V I V E
and that makes you king!
Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land, all the way to here [up to like Kanto, somewhereabouts]. the most important kingdoms were here [hi], here [chikushi], here [izumo], here [kibi], here [yamato], here [koshi] and here [kenu].
but this one [Yamato] was the Most Most Important, ruled by a “Heavenly Superperson” or ‘Emperor’ for short.
knock knock get the door it’s religion!
The new prince [shotoku] wants everyone to try this Hot New Religion [Buddhism] from baekje???? (pronunciation)
“please try this religion” he said
“no” said everybody
“try it!!! ! !!” he said
“no” said everybody again, quieter this time.
And so the new religion was put into place, and all the rules that came with it
Then the government was taken over by another clique and they made some reforms [Taika Reforms] like:
– making the government govern more
– and making the government more like China’s government, which is a government that governs more
“hi china” said Japan
“hi dipshit” [倭 wa] said China
“can you call us something else, other than dipshit?” said Japan
“like what?” said China
“how about ~*~SUNRISE LAND~*~ [日本 nihon]” said Japan
and then they stole China’s Alphabet and wrote a book. [Kojiki] About themselves!
and then they made some poetry and art and another book [nihon shoki] about themselves
and then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for a while, right here [kyoto, heian palace]
and they conquered the north, finally. get that squared away
A rich hipster named kukai is bored with modern buddhism, visits China, and learns a better version [Shingon buddhism], which is more ~*~SPIRITUAL~*~ comes back, reinvents the alphabet and causes art and literature to be GREAT for a long time
and the royal palace turned into such a dreamworld of art that they really didn’t give a shit about running the country
so if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your Shit from criminals?
~*~HIRE A SAMURAI~*~
everybody started hiring samurai. (correction: rich important people hired samurai. poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai.)
The samurai became organized and powerful, more powerful than the government, so they made their own military government, here [Kamakura]
They let the emperor still be “emperor”, but the shogun is actually in control.
BREAKING NEWS The Mongols have invaded china
“we have invaded China”, said the Mongols, “please respect us, or else we might invade you as well”
“Okay 🔪” said Japan
So the mongols came over, ready for war, and then died in a tornado (actually a typhoon)
But they tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese, but then died in a tornado (actually a typhoon)
Then the emperor overthrows the shogunate, but then the shogunate overthrows him back and moves to kyoto and makes a new shogunate [Ashikaga shogunate]
and the emperor can still dress like an “emperor” if he wants. that’s fine
~*~NOW THERE’S MORE ART~*~
like painting with less colors! collaborative poetry! plays! monkey fun! tea parties! gardening! architecture! flowers!
it’s time for “Who’s Going To Be The Next Shogun?”
Usually it’s the shogun’s kid, but the shogun doesn’t have a kid, so he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun
he says ok! but then the shogun has a kid.
so now who’s it going to be? VOTE NOW ON YOUR PHONES
and everyone voted so hard [onin war] that the palace caught on fire and burned down
the shogun actually didn’t care he was off somewhere doing poetry)
and the whole country broke into pieces. everyone is fighting with each other for local power, and it’s anybody’s game.
knock knock it’s Europe! no they’re not here to take over (yet) they just want to sell some shit
like clocks
and guns
and ~*~JESUS~*~
so that’s cool, but everyone’s still fighting each other for control
Now With Guns!!!!
And wouldn’t it be nice to control the capital? Which now is puppets, with no one controlling them
This clan [imagawa] is ready to make a run for it, but first they have to trample this smaller clan [oda], which is in the way
SURPRISE! smaller clan wins ! and the leader of that clan [oda nobunaga] steals the idea of invading the capital and invades the capital!
and it goes very well! he’s about halfway through conquering japan when someone who works for him kills him
and then someone else who works for him [toyotomi hideyoshi] kills them, and that guy finishes conquering Japan
and then he confiscated everybody’s swords and made some rules
“And now I’m going to invade Korea, and hopefully China” he said
and failed
and also died
but before he died, he told these five guys to take care of his 5 year old son until he’s old enough to be the next ruler of Japan
and the five guys said “yeah right it’s not gonna be this kid. it’s gonna be one of us. cause we’re grownups.”
and it’s probably going to be this guy [tokugawa ieyasu] who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others.
a lot of people support him! but a lot of people support not supporting him. they have a fight. and he wins! and starts a new government. right here
~*~EDO~*~
and he STILL lets the emperor dress like an “emperor”, and have Very Nice Things. But don’t get confused. This is the new government. And they’re very strict.
So strict that they closed the country. No one can leave, and no one can come in.
Except the Dutch, if they want to buy and sell shit. But they have to do it right here [dejima]
Now that the entire country was not at war with itself the population increased a lot!
business increased, schools were built, roads were built, everyone learned to read, books were published
there was poetry, plays, sexy-times, puppet shows, and Dutch Studies!
People started to study european science from books they bought from the Dutch. we’re talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity!
over time the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow down–
Knock Knock.
It’s the United States.
with Huge Boats.
with Guns.
Gunboats.
“Open the Country. Stop having it be Closed.” – [matthew perry]
said the United States.
There was really nothing they could do ¯_(ツ)_/¯ so they signed a contract that lets the United States, Britain and Russia visit Japan anytime they want
chōshū and satsuma hated this. “that sucks,” they said, “this sucks!!!”
and with almost Very Little Outside Help [great britain] they overthrew the shogunate [boshin war] and somehow made the “emperor” [meiji] Emperor again and moved him to Edo which they renamed ‘Eastern Capital’ [東京 tokyo]
They made a new government, which was A Lot More Western
They made a new constitution, that was Pretty Western
And a military that was, Pretty Western (large)
And do you know what else is Western???
That’s right, it’s conquering stuff! So what can we conquer? Korea! They conquered Korea, taking it from its previous owner, China. And then go a little bit farther [liaodong peninsula] and Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says
“stop no you cant take that we were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water”
And Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shit ton of soldiers, and then when the railroad was done they downgraded to a FUCK TON did i say downgrade? i meant upgrade
and japan says “can you maybe chill?”
and russia says “how about maybe YOU chill?”
Japan is Kind Of Scared Of Russia. You’ll never guess who’s also Kind Of Scared Of Russia. Great Britain! So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together so they can be A Little Less Scared Of Russia.
Feeling confident Japan goes to war against Russia. Just for a moment. And then they both get tired and stop.
~*~IT’S TIME FOR WORLD WAR 1~*~
the world is about to Have A War
because it’s the 1900′s! And weapons are getting crazy! and all these empires are excited to try them out on each other
meanwhile Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants m o r e
and the next thing on their list is this part of china [qingdao] and lots of tiny islands [marianas, palau, carolines, marshall islands]
All that stuff belongs to Germany, which just had war declared on them by Britain, because Britain was friends with Belgium, which was being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France’s ass because France was friends with Russia who was getting ready to kick Austria’s ass because Austria was getting ready to kick Serbia’s ass because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria’s ass
er, actually he shot him in the head
And Britain is currently friends with Japan! So you know what that means!
~*~JAPAN SHOULD TAKE THE ISLANDS!!~*~ which they wanted to do anyway
so they called Britain on the tele to sort of let them know
and then they did it! And then they also helped Britain here and there with some errands and stuff [singapore, cape town, malta]
!!!!!! now the war is over and Congratulations Japan!! You technically fought in the war which means you get to sit at the negotiating table [paris peace conference] with the big dudes, where they decided who owns what
and yes! Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from Germany
you also get to join the post-war mega alliance ~*~THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS~*~ whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world
the great depression is Bad, and japan’s economy is now crappy, but the military’s doing just fine, and it invades Manchuria
and the League of Nations is like “no dont do that if youre in the league of nations youre not supposed to take over the world”
and japan said ~*~how bout i do anyway?????~*~
and japan invaded more and more and more and more of china, and was planning to invade the entire east!
“YOUVE GOT MAIL” it’s from Germany, the new leader of Germany. he has a cool mustache and he’s trying to take over the world and needs friends
this also got forwarded to Italy . they all decided to be friends because they have so much in common!
it’s time for
~*~WORLD WAR 2~*~
(the sequel)
Germany is invading the neighbors. then they invade the neighbors’ neighbors. then the neighbors’ neighbors’ neighbors who happened to be britain said “~*~holy shit~*~”
and the united states started helping britain, because they are ~Good Friends~ and started Not helping Japan because ~Their Friends And Our Friends Are Not Friends~
~Plus They’re Planning On Invading The Entire Ocean~
The United States is also working on a large very huge Bomb, bigger than any other bomb, ever™
Just in Case 🔪卐
But they still have’t join the war. War looks bad on TV, and the united states is really starting to care about their image
But then Japan spits on them, in Hawaii! And challenges them to war. And they say yes!
And then Germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the United States also, so the united states goes to war in Europe, and they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany, and they also start chasing Japan back into Japan!
And they haven’t used the Bomb yet, and are curious to see if it works?
So they drop it on Japan.
…
They actually dropped two.
…
…
…
…
…
…
⚐
United States installed a new government, inspired by the United States Government, with just the right ingredients for a
~*~ POST-WAR ECONOMIC MIRACLE ~*~
and japan starts making tv’s, vcr’s, automobiles and camcorders As Fast As They Can, and also better than everybody else
they get Rich, and the economy goes Wild, and then the miracle wears off, but everything’s still pretty cool I guess ~BYE~
I read the whole thing.
died in a tornado (actually a typhoon)
And the Japanese are like “Yay!” the gods are on our side, and call those typhoons kamikaze (god winds.)
Feeling confident Japan goes to war against Russia. Just for a moment. And then they both get tired and stop.
It was kind of even crazier than that, though. Because initially the rest of the world’s reaction was “You’ve got some guts, Japan, but Russia’s gonna squash you like a bug, so no, we won’t lend you any money to upgrade your navy,” and then one day the Japanese ambassador is at a dinner party in London and he tells his troubles to the American dude next to him. Who is a very rich man named Jacob Schiff, and furthermore he hates the Tsar because Russia massacred a bunch of Jewish people not two weeks earlier.
So he says, “let me see what I can do,” and Japan gets boats and ends up doing pretty well against Russia.
Which has at least two major repercussions: first, in several battles the Japanese infantry managed to capture fortified Russian positions (albeit with HUGE casualties), and so in WWI the generals keep throwing infantry at machine guns even when it plainly doesn’t work, because if the Japanese could do it so can they.
And second, the Russian government goes “OMG, there’s a Jewish conspiracy helping the Japanese beat us” and forge a bunch of documents “proving” this, which become favourite reading of that guy with the mustache later. Only when he tries to bring this up with his new Japanese allies, they’re like “Yeah, the Jews are awesome, we should team up with them!” and he doesn’t mention it again.
Mooncustafer 