science-sexual:

iwillbeyourhands:

iwillbeyourhands:

my top anecdotes that sound fake but aren’t:

• the time i accidentally picked a girl up at a club because i thought she was someone i knew
• the time i lost my virginity because of truth or dare on prom night under a ping pong table in someone’s basement
• the time i worked at summer camp and my boss was the guy who stole my first girlfriend at that same summer camp when i was 14
• that year that two of my sisters had unplanned pregnancies and my third sister got married all within like 6 months
• my sister the professional poker player in vegas
• the time i answered a trivia question at sea world and got to go backstage at the penguin exhibit and pet a penguin
• the time i went to buy cat toys in azerbaijan and ended up alone in a pet store at night surrounded by birds while an old man read my palm and told me i would get married in 2016
• the time i slept with a guy in eastern siberia at a creepy russian sex motel and i tried to tell him i was bisexual and he thought i was just really bad at speaking russian
• that i have seen the seal from that gif where the seal turns around in the pool and plays the saxophone, i have seen that seal irl
• the time i was personally snubbed in a hallway by 2010 olympic figure skating champion evan lysacek 
• the time i made out with a guy at a wedding and then realized we were related (HE WAS ADOPTED IT’S FINE)
• when @sunbeamdean told me she would buy me a drink if i said “fill me with your pups” to @lambergeier during sex so i did
• the time i got so high my friend put on a movie i’d seen like 20 times before and i got convinced i was psychic because i knew what people were going to say before they said it
• the time i was at a small feist concert at a christian college and she held an impromptu talent show for members of the audience to come up and show off what they could do and i went on stage and played a regina spektor song on the piano and feist gave me a hug and then on monday my math teacher told me he’d been at the concert too and handed me a disc he’d burned of the audio he’d recorded so i had a memento

i forgot the time i was supposed to take a eurostar train but they fucked up my ticket and when i complained they bumped me up to business class so i had like a full fancy cheese plate and half a bottle of wine for free and shared a compartment with the first female attorney general of australia and borrowed her cellphone to text my mom internationally

How