sirfrogsworth:

I guess Papa John has been dethroned as head Papa. Yes, of course, I’m hoping that his successor is not such a right wing stooge. But much more importantly, I’m hoping Papa 2.0 is willing to address their pizza tasting like greasy bog sludge.

Papa John always said “Better ingredients, better pizza!” but he was a dirty liar sitting on a throne of shitty pizza lies. I’m not sure what alternate hellscape dimension they portaled their ingredients from, but they were most certainly not “better.” I really don’t think retrieving tomatoes from the Upside Down and then mushing them into that sticky sauce was a solid business plan. It’s clear Papa John made a deal with Beelzebub and accrued $70 million through an unholy bargain. I know I’ve ordered Papa John’s on several occasions, but I could never understand why. The only logical explanation is temporary demonic possession. 

And why did they throw in a shriveled expired pepper with every pizza? No one wanted that. Was that a garnish? Do they just have a room full of old peppers and they have no idea how to get rid of them? Or is it just something to bite into that would burn the taste of the pizza from your palate? 

If they are going to throw something in the box, why not something you actually want? Like a toy or a cookie or a refund for the hellpizza you’re going to force your buddies to scarf down during the football game they now hate-watch because people kneel during a 3 minute song they normally ignored and never cared about.

I look forward to the choosing of the next Papa. I will watch with great interest as the smoke stack above the pizza factory puffs out white smoke… telling the world we have a new Pizza Papa.