jollityfarm:

i think “depression is brought on by feelings of hopelessness and a lack of control” and “depression is the result of brain-not-working” aren’t mutually exclusive.  one kind of brain could react to horror from the outside world in a very different way than another brain.  it could be slower to recover from trauma, ie, and that response tendency could run in families, and meds could help.

i used to think that criticism of the pharmaceutical industry was always rooted in a distaste for medication and people who take it.  and in some circles that’s definitely true!  but imo meds aren’t inherently bad.  i think lying to people about meds’ efficacy is bad.  if meds are needed (i’d argue they’re a potentially useful tool), we need better ones.  saying ‘the meds we have now do not address the issue as well as they could’ isn’t saying ‘your pain is not real’ or ‘meds are not really useful’ or ‘try yoga instead.’  the issue isn’t with us, it’s with the pharmaceutical industry and, actually, all of capitalism, for failing to protect its most vulnerable charges.

perhaps, ironically, it’s an artifact of having ocd that i see the world through the lens of control and ‘knowingness.’  ‘human nature’ is malleable, obvs, and depends on material conditions as much as anything else, but!  at least right now!  it’s a person’s biggest fear and, at the same time, greatest desire to be known.  you cannot see all your moving parts at once, yourself.  you listen to your voice on a recording and it sounds different than your internal voice, it’s not inside you, it’s not like how you are used to it.  and that’s scary!  you can’t even predict yourself and you have to be you forever!  having others reflect yourself back to you in a way that lines up with how you see yourself is a locus of control.  you are able to impress upon the world an image you have made yourself.  that’s why niche clothing costs more even though it’s not necessarily more expensive to make, and why people will get artist alley commissions at conventions instead of just going online and getting one.  hot topic is selling your identity back to you, as are conventions.  they are selling you the feeling of being known.  looking for patterns helps us maintain control, because patterns help us predict the future.  our need for control also results in victim-blaming (‘if wearing a short skirt, then get harassment’) and superstition (‘if wearing nice hoodie, then do well on test’), because if we’re not given a direct cause-and-effect relationship, our brain rebels we make one up.  so it makes sense that if we feel like we can’t control our environment and can’t do meaningful work, we get frustrated and sad.  i know i do.  i know i did.  it’s easier for us to hate our fellow man, and ourselves, than to admit maybe the universe is unpredictable and our pattern-making has been for nothing.

i now have a reason to live.  i have several reasons to live.  i’m no longer depressed, but i still have ocd, which i manage with meds, exercise, and writing long posts on the internet.