This story has been posted with the blessings of my Uncle Benjamin, all names have been changed to protect everyone’s privacy. Content Warnings: missing limbs mention (no graphic descriptions), prosthetics, police, long post (press the J key to skip) bad puns.
So my Uncle Benjamin (Really my mother’s former roommate’s husband, but we talk to the more than most of my blood relatives so he’s really my uncle) was born without his lower left leg. We don’t know why, but it generally doesn’t cause him distress.
Sometimes, however, it causes other people a great deal of distress.
Due to the way Ben’s leg ends, he can use a prosthetic, and they make some very nice very realistic-looking feet calves and feet these days. However, it has to be replaced every few years as technology improves and the fitting changes. Since these are complicated machines, Ben keeps last year’s model, named Standley, in the trunk of his car, just in case the current one breaks down. You know, sticking out of a duffel bag and already wearing a sock and shoe, since it would hardly do for Standley to go undressed.
Uncle Ben is a lawyer and was driving on the highway on his way to argue a case before the state supreme court when he was pulled over by the highway patrol by an officer who looked like a golden retriever turned into a thirty-something man and shall be referred to as Officer Chip. After pulling Ben over on a foggy 5 AM, he leaned into his window to ask, in an over enthusiastic tone normally associated with a boy scout looking to earn some merit badges, if Uncle Ben was aware that his tail light was out.
“No, thank you for telling me. I will make an appointment with my mechanic post haste but-” He began, trying to explain that he had to be in court soon and if this wasn’t serious could he please just go-
“Aw heck it’s probably just a loose wire!” Officer Chip slapped the car heartily. “Pop your trunk I’ll have it fixed in no time!”
“Ah, uh-” Ben stumbled remembering that his foot was in the back and trying to articulate ‘sure but I have a false foot back there so don’t freak out’ and instead saying:
“DON’T OPEN THE TRUNK!” in a panicked voice.
Chip hesitated, suddenly concerned. “Sir, I need you open the trunk right now!” He said as sternly as possible.
Ben stammered some more, unable to articulate between the early morning grogginess and the absurdity of the situation. Chip looked increasingly nervous and Ben decided it was better to just pop the trunk and prove it wasn’t meth than try to explain the leg thing.
So the trunk opens and Chip goes around the back to find Standley, sticking out of the duffel bag and looking like a very convincing Real human Flesh Leg.
“Oy gevalt.” Ben mutters at the shriek.
“Sir!” Chip squeaked, voice quavering. “I need you to step out of the car!”
Ben sighed, hiked up his pants, opened the door, and swung his artificial leg out for Chip to see.
“As I was trying to explain earlier, My spare is in the back.” he sighed, gesturing to the very artificial joint..
“It’s fake?” Chip stared, still too bewildered to be relieved.
“Yes, it’s fake. They make very nice ones these days.” Ben explained, reaching into the trunk to take Standley out and showing Officer Chip the other end. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have to be in court in an hour. Don’t worry about the light, I’ll get it fixed before I go home, alright?”
“Oh thank god.” Chip sagged back against his motorcycle. “I thought you were a cannibal or something.”
“No, I keep kosher.” Ben replied. “Goodbye!”
Chip, still too shaken to think much, nodded in agreement, and watched Uncle Ben drive off.
“The worst part is-” said Ben as he was regaling the story later. “-I had almost exactly the same conversation with the mechanic in columbus when I took the light in to get fixed!”
“You forgot AGAIN?” His wife asked as I slowly melted off the couch with laughter.
“Yes, yes- At least the mechanic handled it better. He wanted to know why I’d dress Standley in brown shoes while I was wearing a blue suit. He had a very good point!”
“So what did you do?” his wife asked.
“I changed his shoes!” Ben shrugged, like this is a reasonable course of action, and I fell off the damn couch, howling.
(If you got a laugh out of this story, please consider donating to my Paypal or ko-fi. Due to health issues, telling stories on the internet is my only source of income right now, and Uncle Ben hopes this story will pay at least a few bills. If you want to share this story on other platforms, Please ask me first, and include a link back to the original post.)
Standley
Published
Mooncustafer 