penwiper26:

janothar:

wombatking:

artisanbloodbank:

hubblegleeflower:

twentyonelizards:

wombatking:

newtgeiszler:

jesterofthetraveler:

I agree john mulaney is probably an immortal akin to beings such as keanu reeves and jeff goldblum but he’s like a new born baby immortal who is looking at the long long expanse of a lifetime he has in front of him and is already tired

jeff golblum is thousands of years old and loving it. john mulaney was born in 1901 and ever since 1924 it’s gone downhill for him

So to be clear, the immortal timeline seems to be:

John Mulaney – early 20th century

Eric Andre – Probably 17th century or so.

Taika Waititi – Elizabethan age, probably hung out with Shakespeare

Keanu Reeves – We think sometime around Alexander the Great, but he seems to have just sprung up fully formed.

Jeff Goldblum – 100% Biblical times, may or may not be King Solomon.

Tommy Wiseau – Indeterminate, may be the first Homo Sapiens.

this is david lynch erasure

Who are the female immortals?

Jenny Slate – Jazz Age Darling, bffs with Alice Roosevelt

Helena Bonham Carter – Refused an invitation to dine with Queen Victoria based on her treatment of the Irish

Lucy Liu – ran away from home to join Ching Shih, 19th century Pirate Queen’s crew. Was considered too soft for fighting and was given an accordion

Bjork – 14th century Icelandic healer accused of witchcraft, also possibly a selkie

Whoopie Goldberg – present during the Conquest of Constantinople but don’t bring it up around her, it’s too fresh in her mind

Tilda Swinton – found sleeping in a peat bog. Carbon dating inconclusive

Also!

Morena Baccarin – Pirate captain dating to the 17th century. Has dozens of identities around the world.

Judi Dench – Has been 75 for roughly 800 years. Still spry as hell. Quite possibly was both Queen Victoria and Queen Elizabeth the first, then went on to play them in movies.

We JUST discussed this! Don’t forget Anne Hathaway, who was married to Shakespeare and is still just totally chill.

Bernadette Peters – married money in the late medieval period, poisoned him, then used her fortune to commission reredos paintings for which she sat as a model. Then she resold the paintings and made a second killing. Still has a copy of the Borgia recipe book. Hasn’t seen fit to kill anyone in years, but would you fuck with her?