List of ominous-sounding things I know how to do:

Clean ashes out of hair/off skin (use baby oil or any kind
of cooking oil to clean off the ash; then use dish detergent to clean off the oil)

Arrange to donate your body to Science (you need to have a
backup plan in case you die of something infectious or get crushed by a falling
piano or something that renders your body unusable; also the mortuary will
still charge $200-300 for transport so you may want to leave that in an envelope
so your next-of-kin aren’t on the hook; also tell your next-of-kin ahead of
time)

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