You forgot the gratuitous high fantasy sex scenes

pervocracy:

As the revelers feasted in the great hall, Rhior and *throws Boggle dice again* Toalya stood on the balcony above them.

“We’re above them metaphorically, too,” Rhior said.

Toalya pursed her lips.  She was a haughty beauty, with rosy skin, golden curls cascading almost to the floor, a slim and regal figure, and hardly any fleas.  “I love you,” she said softly, “but I can’t be with you.  There are reasons.”

“Hang the reasons!” Rhior exclaimed, seizing her in his arms.

“No,” Toalya protested, beating her fists uselessly against his chest.  In the back of her head, all she could think of was how to make her consent ambiguous enough to cast a pall of creepiness over the whole scene, but still give the author some plausible deniability.  “I mean yes.”

Rhior was already unbuckling his armor.  It sounded like a garbage bag full of tin cans falling down a stairwell, but people in armor always sound like that, so no one looked up.  His manhood sprang free, already as hard as the vanadium steel of a Dwarven smith.

Toalya gave in to her passion, and despite herself, began frantically licking his nostrils.  Rhior moaned in pleasure.  Every red-blooded young man of Bleebheim dreams of a woman who appreciates his nose, and Rhior was no different.  Here in Bleebheim, no one would laugh at a nose fetish or refuse to participate in it.  It wasn’t even thought of as a fetish.  Maybe people who weren’t into noses were persecuted, how about that, huh?  In his turn, Rhior tongued Toalya’s finely carved nares.

Toalya opened her gown, revealing that Wikipedia’s details on the medieval underwear situation are surprisingly scanty.  Rhior liked whatever it was that he saw.

“So what happens now?” Toalya purred.

“Whatever,” Rhior said.  “I already got off on the nose part and this stuff is more of a formality.  I don’t care if we just fade to black now.”

“Alright,” Toalya said, because although her dialogue wasn’t accurate to any particular historical period, the phrase “OK” is too jarringly modern.  “But on exactly one occasion during the book we’re going to have to have sex with truly uncomfortable details about every grunt and squeeze and bodily fluid.”

“Of course,” Rhior replied, and seized her in her arms, unless she was already in his arms, I forget.