My Esteemed Editor, I wish to ask your advice on the small matter of Spirits — how I wish I meant wine and whisky! I’ve recently come into the possession of a small estate following the death in the family. Having assumed residence in this crumbling pile, I’ve come to believe I am not alone. I see phantasms when I lie awake at night, and feel terribly ill. I’ve considered asking a friend to come stay with me, but fear he will think me Mad if I tell him my true motivations. What am I to do?

georgiansuggestion:

Gentle Reader–

Old Houses and Estates, Regardless of their Disrepair, are Much Akin to the Human Body, in the Measure that, as they grow Agéd and Weathered by Time, they are apt to groan, shake, creak, crack, and make a Great Deal of Noise, Particularly in the Morning and Evening, as I Readily attest. It is in All Probability not a Ghost which plagues you, but the House itself, in Combination with your Grief accompanying the Dreadful Loss of its Previous Owner. If you are Able at this Time to retreat from the Estate to a More Modern Abode while Repairs are Underway, I recommend it Highly; If you are Unable at this Juncture to leave the Place, then by All Means employ your Friend to assist you in the Rational Matter of auditing the House from Attic to Cellar, accounting for Each Room, Door, Fire-place, Window, and Chimney, for, though these Labyrinthine Manses are Rich Earth Only for Ghosts of our own Invention, they are Also Sprawling and Convoluted Enough that a Living Person, Perhaps a Determined Relative in Line for the Wealth you yourself have inherited, may hide and roam the Halls with Equanimity; Such a Person may be Present and conspiring to “spook” you out of your Wits–and Further, your Inheritance. A Similar Circumstance befell me as a Younger Man, when my Brother, God rest his Soul, attempted to shock me into deferring Unto him Possession of our Maiden Aunt’s Abbey. He did not succeed.

If, however, you are Absolutely Adamant that your Troubles are of Supernatural Origin, there are Certain Professional and Amateur Groups who may be called upon to assist you. I wish you Continued Good Health and Respite from these Trials, as Soon as they may be secured.

Yours &tc.,

The Editor