Yesterday I had a conversation with a co-worker about media awards like the Oscars and Emmys and such, and I said I thought they were dreadful – I hate this weird bloated self-congratulatory masturbation that goes on for months, and I haven’t watched any since grad school when I was required to for costuming class. And she said something revolutionary, which was, “Yeah, but they’re so much fun to hate. I never miss one.”
And I thought to myself, I do love to hate stuff now even more than when I was in grad school! And so I googled “awards season” and found a Wiki list of all the film awards shows, and thought, maybe I’ll try watching this year.
So I’m researching when and on what channel they happen so that I can put some on my calendar, and so far I have come across several amazing things:
The New York Film Critics and the Los Angeles Film Critics each have an award show and I hope there’s a Tupac-Biggie level beef behind that
Relatedly, I have suggested they should meet in Indiana and fight, and the winner gets to keep their awards show
The Hollywood Film Awards doesn’t actually want you to watch it, because if they did, they would put WHERE IT AIRS ON THEIR MOTHERFUCKING WEBSITE. I thought I wasn’t cool enough to know, but then I realized no. I’m too cool to know when the Hollywood fucking Film Awards air.
The National Board of Review Awards claims to be “among the first of the awards season” even though it happens in January. I guess because they announce the winners in November?
New York Film Critics Circle does the exact same thing. I knew the entertainment industry was insane but this is byzantine levels of temporal manipulation. I think they might all be time travelers.
The National Society of Film Critics keep it loose and casual and is not convincing me that film critics aren’t basically humorless creeps: “Any film that opens in the U.S. during the year 2018 is eligible for consideration. There is no nomination process; submissions are not necessary.
Scrolls suitable for framing are sent to the winners. There is no awards party.”
Meanwhile the Critics’ Choice Awards are at 7pm on the Monday night after the Sunday when the Golden Globes airs. Really shooting for the moon there, CCA.
There is a single woman coordinating all ticketing for the Producer’s Guild of America awards. I’m guessing they will not be televised.
Is it better not to have your awards ceremony televised at all or only to have it televised on TNT? Discuss.
And finally,
“Awards Season” is a registered trademark
I am already enjoying how much I hate this!
I don’t usually watch the Oscars, but I recall how when I was
an adolescent everyone dissed the intro one year for being especially cheesy
and ridiculous, and the producer, Allan Carr, lost his career over it; and more
recently I looked it up and Carr had apparently wanted to recreate the feel of
a 1930s musical revue, and concocted a show in which Disney’s Snow White
arrives in Hollywood and asks for directions to the Coconut Grove from a cowboy
doing tricks with a lariat, and believe me that is EXACTLY what actual 1930s
revues were like, the only way it could have been more period-accurate would be
if they’d thrown in a musical number that was equal parts jaw-droppingly
surreal and jaw-droppingly racist, so what I’m saying is that the 1989 Oscars
opening show was a victim of its own success and people’s belief that Top Hat was a typical 1930s musical
instead of an outlier.
Mooncustafer 