good morning I just woke up obsessed with the idea of a movie filmed in the style of a true crime documentary except it’s in the Twilight universe and a bunch of completely ordinary humans are trying to figure out why Bella effectively disappeared after high school without knowing anything about vampires
let’s review the Facts of the Case as far as anyone who’s not in on the secret knows them
super normal teenage girl moves to small town
becomes obsessed with a guy who by all appearances is in a cult
the incident where they dramatically broke up and Bella tried to go back to Phoenix but Edward followed her and they got back together but also Bella’s leg got mysteriously broken
another dramatic breakup and this time the entire family skips town leaving Bella catatonically depressed
sudden trip to Italy??? and then the entire family comes back???
Whatever Happened In Eclipse I Don’t Remember
Bella marries boyfriend of approx. a year and a half, goes away on an exotic vacation and immediately contracts a life threatening disease
is rarely seen in public again until her mysterious death, which if I’m remembering correctly is a thing?? because Bella was pretty sure her mom wouldn’t be able to handle the vampire thing and that they were going to have to fake a death which is!! fucked UP
also apparently the Cullens haven’t ever bothered with, like, changing their names, so if anyone goes poking around they’re easily going to discover a family of seven rich weirdos moving around various overcast cities together for at least a century
tell me you wouldn’t watch this shit
highlights:
generic Missing White Woman opening that rapidly spirals into interviews Bella’s hilarious tacky high school classmates talking shit about the Cullens (Mike Newton’s Time To Shine)
Charlie (who Knows) uncomfortably lying to the camera about how of course he’s Very Sad about all of this and misses his daughter a whole lot. the crew immediately begins speculating about Charlie’s involvement.
a few scenes shot in Italy. the voice over concludes that there are no clues to be found there while a Volturi member hovers very obviously in the background for the audience’s enjoyment
testimonies about Carlisle’s character that end with the interviewee getting distracted thinking how hot he was, including Charlie
a segment trying to figure out what the Fuck Jacob’s involvement is followed by a montage of werewolves slamming their front doors in the crew’s faces
a brief mention of the murder spree that happened in Seattle during Bella’s senior year but quickly shrugging it off as DEFINITELY unrelated to any of this
trying to dig into where the Cullens lived before Forks and quickly realizing that None Of These Children Existed Before the Age of Seventeen
briefly toying with a kidnapping scenario before stumbling onto a record of the Cullens in some other town that’s JUST old enough to be inconsistent with the ages they were supposed to be in Forks
“wait I think all the kids were actually in their twenties, maybe?”
“wait what the fUCK?”
bold of you to assume that it would be Mike talking shit about Bella and not Jessica, because let’s be honest here, wasn’t that boy compared to a golden retriever at some point in that book? he would talk shit about anyone (save maybe for Ben while they were still fighting for Bella’s attention) and Jessica was, well, Jessica.
actually I don’t think it’s a stretch, at all.
I don’t think Mike ever liked the Cullens; he was specifically jealous of Edward because of Bella’s interest in him, but I didn’t get the sense he cared for any of them very much. plus, you know, there’s that thing where people love to act like they always knew someone was No Good™ once that person is placed under suspicion. Mike, especially a few years down the road, would be more than happy to puff himself up and act like he always sensed something Wrong with Edward.
Jessica, on the other hand, is painted as an attention seeker who mostly uses Bella for attention from other’s, so she’d be MORE than happy to cry big public tears about how much she loved poor Bella and how they were BEST friends and how SAD it all is.
huh. i hadn’t thought about it like that. good point.
I know.
honestly I think a big part of the reason why this idea is so fun to me is that there would be LAYERS of dramatic irony. viewers who are, presumably, familiar with the characters and the mythology will have a WILDLY different take than an in-universe investigative crew under the impression that they’re dealing with an entirely mundane murder/disappearance. that’s where the humor comes from.
My favorite Franklin Expedition-inspired painting, but one that is curiously hard to find a good reproduction of. It depicts what von Payer clearly believed had been the unfortunate fate of some of the survivors, those who had made it to Starvation Cove on the northernmost edge of the Canadian mainland.
The bottom picture is a larger, clearer view of the painting as it hangs, found on this site.
stop reassuring men that makeup doesnt make them gay you idiots the problem lies in thr fact that theyre terrified of looking gay to begin with
My guess is it’s marketing — the men who wear makeup now already have no fear of swaggering into Sephora and picking up some eyeliner. The untapped market is nervous straight dudes who need permission to use some concealer on their pimples. Personally I think marketing concealer as “unisex skincare product” or something might be a baby step.
do you ever think about how weird it is that the moral of Frankenstein is kind of less just “graverobbing is weird and creepy” and more “take some fucking responsibility if you’re going to do so”
“if you’re going to create a large corpse son, you better be ready to love him”
Also how can Arthur Conan Doyle write a character like Irene Adler 1891 and have her 1. Outsmart Sherlock Holmes and get away with it and 2. Be in no way a damsel or love interest to Sherlock.. But every modern retelling not only has her be a sexual /love interest character but she is posed as being very very smart… But never smart enough to just outwit him, get away with it and move on? Women can be smart, sure, but no one is allowed to be smarter than Sherlock.
It’s been over 120 years and Irene is, at her best, never as decently treated as the original.
Arthur Conan Doyle: Here’s a story about male insecurity where the police underestimate her for being a woman and feel the need to get her because she’s a woman and Sherlock is ultimately beaten by a woman and in a bit of character development accepts it and acknowledges her intellect.
Sherlock fans: Uh no way Sherlock is smart Sherlock is so so smart she must have used her feminine wiles or her sexy things or her love to undermine him but he gets her in the end i feel a strange catharsis at changing this ending but I’m sure Doyle always meant to be this way, it just feels right.
Half of the reason that Adler was able to out-wit Holmes was because Holmes was too narrow-minded. Holmes is smart and has knowledge of many subjects, but he also strongly relies on social order and norms to solve crimes. He’s even says in A Scandal in Bohemia that:
“When a woman thinks that her house is on fire, her instinct is at once to rush to thing which she values most. It is a
perfectly overpowering impulse, and I have more than once taken advantage of it
… A married woman grabs at her baby; an unmarried one reaches for her jewel-box.”
Holmes uses this social norm and order to stage an attack and find out where Adler hid the photo in her house. He drops his guard and is so proud of himself because he knew that this would work, he knew that if he created disorder, “natural” order would attempt to counteract that disorder.
Adler defies those social orders and norms: she is an untitled American woman who earned her own money through a career as an opera star, instead of relying on a husband or family to have financial security; she outwitted Holmes because she cross-dressed and indicated that she frequently did so, allowing her to have a lot more freedom roaming around London on her own terms, and her stage career aided that so that she could act like a man easily; and she didn’t care one bit about her reputation or being a “pure” woman, had several boyfriends, and was known for being an “adventuress”. More importantly, she had the ability to defy those social norms while simultaneously being able to present herself as the ideal respectable and under-estimable Victorian-era woman.
Adler literally defeats Holmes by dressing in drag then happily goes off with her new husband whom she loves very much. And Holmes respects that and is thoroughly impressed. Not only does he respect that, he realizes that he was on the wrong side of things, that he shouldn’t have agreed to take on the case for the King of Bohemia. This is the exchange that follows after Holmes, Watson and the King read Adler’s letter.
“Would she not have made an admirable queen?
Is it not a pity that she was not on my level?”
“From what I have seen of the
lady she seems indeed to be on a very different level to your Majesty,” said
Holmes coldly
Holmes takes Adler’s side and realizes that the photograph is her protection from the King, not something she intended to use as a weapon against him. Adler never exploited the King to get what she wanted, only kept it as a safeguard of her own happiness. She made sure she had a way of ensuring that she alone guided her future.
Irene Adler is “the woman” to Sherlock Holmes, not because she was sexy or he was in love with her. She was a reminder that real life doesn’t always follow what social norms and order are to be expected, that people shouldn’t be taken on face value or respected just because of their title or apparent respectability and ability to follow social order and norms, and that there are two sides to every story.
Take a lesson from Sherlock Holmes, people. Doyle knew what he was doing. If we’re going to keep making him roll over in his grave from creating Sherlock Holmes media, please, at least respect him and Irene Adler.
The radio version the BBC did a few years back begins with Adler being “waylaid” by the King’s agents; and Holmes later implies to Watson that he took the case only because he feared if he couldn’t get the photo back for the King, the King’s would have tried having Adler assassinated.
Mooncustafer 
