[Image Description: Tag reading “I wrote this out of pure spite”]
The AO3 Tag of the Day is: Someone please take this opportunity to ask me about the Pumpkinification of the God Claudius
Ok, it is my great delight to introduce you all to one of the most absurd pieces of political satire ever written. It is a work of pure spite, entirely scurrilous and utterly delightful. It also has the distinction of having the best name ever: Apocolocyntosis Divi Claudii, which is translated various ways, but which I’ve always thought is best rendered as The Pumpkinification of the God Claudius.
Now, Claudius was a Roman emperor in the first century and a pretty good one, all things considered. He was careful and thoughtful and did things like reform the judicial system and balance the budget and other boring, necessary stuff like that. He was also, and I say this factually and without prejudice, fat, ugly, physically disabled, and possessed of a severe speech impediment. For reasons unknown (but possibly related to the fact that he was all of those things and humanity basically sucks sometimes), people hated him. Hated. Which meant that when he died and his stepson took over, people were really excited. One of those people, Seneca, celebrated by writing the Apocolocyntosis.
A note about the fundamental joke of the Apocolocyntosis: when a Roman emperor died, it was customary for the Senate to meet and vote to make the dead emperor a god. After Claudius died, the Senate duly deified him, and, though we don’t have the exact decree, would likely have issued a proclamation along the lines of “The Deification of the God Claudius.” See where this is going? Yeah.
Here’s an incomplete list of shit that happens in the Apocolocyntosis:
Claudius orders Hercules to be executed
This doesn’t work out so well, because, you know, it’s Hercules
The line “The last words he was heard to speak in this world were….“Oh dear, oh dear! I think I have made a mess of myself.” Whether he did or no, I cannot say, but certain it is he always did make a mess of everything.“
The gods apparently have a Senate too, where they meet to vote about whether Claudius should become a god. In this meeting, Claudius’s grandfather stands up and makes fun of him in front of the entire God Senate
(The God Senate runs on the Roman version of Robert’s Rules of Order)
Hercules physically threatens some god senators, because he’s, you know, Hercules
There’s a clown parade
Claudius ends up getting sent to the underworld, where literally everybody yells at him
No seriously. They hold an entire legal trial so that all the dead people can yell at him
Claudius ends up having to do the “tantalus reach out for the food or water and it runs away punishment thing” except with gambling for some reason
Another dead emperor shows up and announces that Claudius is one of his slaves and then just walks off with him
I feel like I should back up and mention again that there’s a clown parade
I’m serious. It’s a fucking clown parade. I have no fucking clue why
One thing the Pumpkinification does not involve? Pumpkins. There are no pumpkins in this pumpkinification book.
(Important side note: Claudius’s stepson who took over? Nero. Yeah, that Nero.)
character being all “you expect me to do X?” Gilligan Cut to character doing X
the squad gets captured and interrogated separately, and they’re all telling equally terrible, completely contradictory lies
people completely missing the completely unsubtle, very visible dangerous thing in the room with them
alternatively, people absolutely seeing the completely unsubtle, very visible dangerous thing in the room with them and just not giving a shit
bonus points if it’s a beleaguered minimum wage employee who just goes about their business like “yep same shit as always”
someone pretending they don’t know another character is eavesdropping, only to casually reveal at the end of the scene that they know (*leaving* “tell tom that he can come out now” *tom drops from the ceiling in spy gear, irritated*)
choosing to deal with the villain by just leaving them alone in a room with another character
the “hands go down” trope
example: “any questions?” *everyone’s hands go up* “…that AREN’T sarcastic?” *everyone’s hands go down*
how could all y’all forget “ACT NATURAL!”
These are all great but let’s not forget two characters giving extremely biased flashbacks to the same event that each paint the other as an incompetent loon
i would like to respectfully add: scenes where a character walks into a room, sees something scary, and turns around and walks out with no reaction or change of expression
How about Checkov’s Skill Set (a character’s weird hobby, or ability picked up during their back-story, turns out to be incredibly useful in the Third Act)?
Mooncustafer 