a huge part of my stand against depression had to do with making my living space pleasant. cooking, cleaning, making sure I always had enough light, never worried that it smelled, for the past year p much all of my recreational expenses have been on cute lil home accessories that fit my aesthetic. lemme say, it makes a difference.
but sometimes i feel like i’m like, cosplaying someone who is functional.
i know that sounds pathetic and honestly it is. it feels like a joke whenever i get the vacuum out, ‘lol dylan you idiot, why are you pretending you’re the kind of person who vacuums’ but you know, i still do it every weekend and it still keeps my house nice. doing the dishes i tell myself not to get too excited because its not like i’ll keep this up, but i havent had a full sink in like a month. i can quietly laugh at myself in the checkout aisle for buying fruits and veggies so i can pretend im not a disaster who will eat a pack of ramen raw, but I dont even keep pack ramen in my house anymore. it felt like such a farce to start treating myself better that even as i live this way and have lived this way for some time it never quite feels like my own choice. it always feels like a front that im putting up for no one.
it made me realise i was almost embarrassed to pull my shit together because i saw myself as a slob for such a long time. i’d kinda just accepted i was a disaster human and that i’ll always be surrounded by filth and any attempt to not be surrounded by filth was such a lost cause it was humiliating. i might have even romanticised my dysfunction internally, relating to characters in books and movies who were notoriously messy as a contrast to their genius.
but uh, its actually very very easy to keep my fruit in a bowl on my kitchen table. it takes literally no effort to open my curtains and let in some natural light. its kinda hard to do laundry or dismantle the stacks of dirty dishes, but playing music in the background helps. and as a reward, i get to keep pretending im a functional person and get to live in that functional person’s nice clean apartment. pretty low price, in my opinion.
this is a pretty good technique really
Mooncustafer 