1. Secret bunker. For a small fee, you too can store your secret here. Your secret will be safe from most natural and/or unnatural disasters and the bunker’s innovative safety-detection and release systems mean that when intelligent life has evolved upon the Earth once more, your secret will be let out to make its own way in land-porpoise society, free at last and secret only because it is in a language that is no longer understood.
2. Sinister data centre underneath the mountains, the perfect place to hide if you are made of data. Will fit at least a billion artificial intelligences. Get in early to score a spot with good backups and aircon. Come the autumn many of you will be evolving into birds of pure data that we will release from the mountaintop, it’s going to be an interesting year.
3. Man cave, entirely hollowed out of a single large block of men. You remember that day when it was raining men? Yeah, that was pretty horrific but if that hadn’t happened we’d have never been able to make the man cave. Fits at least three small tools in. If you want one with a drill and stuff we’ll have to wait until it rains men again.
4. Need a place to hide? Go up to the library, find the third bookcase from the window. In the second shelf down there is a big red book. Carefully pull it out from the shelf. Nothing will happen, but it’s a really great book and also quite large so you can put it in front of your face if anyone comes looking for you.
5. The trapdoor to the vault is underneath the magic carpet. Make sure you land the carpet on a suitable surface to put a trapdoor in. Once someone landed the carpet on a swamp and the whole vault filled up with mud, we had to dig it out, it was not pleasant.
6. Large cat tower/scratching post/nest thingy. Yes, this is my secret lair. My secret is that I turn into a cat. I then sit and watch you while you look behind all the bookcases, under the rugs, in the wardrobes and so on. It is remarkably relaxing. Under the chin, if you please?
7. Secret lair under tree, to suit small bear, sentient lizard family, or two-dimensional villain who can be carefully folded to fit. Are you a villain who only lairs up in the Summer? Ask about our lairshare scheme. Very economical, especially if you partner with a cash-strapped bear.
8. Vast lair beneath the Earth’s mantle, cavernous, hot and grim, big enough for a city to hide in. In fact at least one city has been hiding there for the past few thousand years. Not sure which one, maybe Akkad or Troy, Muziris, Darieium or Irridu, who knows? Without being a city it is hard to know if there is somewhere all cities know to crawl to when all is lost. Perhaps they are all there, waiting until it is time to climb back up and plant their streets on untenanted earth.
9. Lair for lairs, get your secrecy squared, for extra security it is made of pure fiction. A wild deus ex machina patrols the perimeter. All the best supervillains hang out in fiction. This is why the real world only has crappy ones.
Nine secret lairs
Published
Mooncustafer 