thewinterotter:

constant-instigator:

audsbot:

thewinterotter:

dominawritesthings:

rainnecassidy:

sinfullucifer:

the-negotiator:

sinfullucifer:

generallyhuxurious:

sinfullucifer:

tinfoil-on-the-windows:

sinfullucifer:

tinfoil-on-the-windows:

sinfullucifer:

actualtrashbag:

sinfullucifer:

so you know the rule in fairylands where you cant eat or drink anything or you’ll have to stay there forever? does like.. .eating out/sucking dick count

holy f uck jane

its a serious question

well like, the whole thing is that you cannot have consumed anything belonging to the fey realm. so, yes, probably, you would be stuck there. the same would apply if you just straight up ate a fairy.

new question: would deepthroating count in this case even w/o swallowing

no. temporary doesn’t count, otherwise fairies would all be running about sticking their hands in your mouth to get human servants.

you gotta digest it.

so like??? if you puke afterwards?? maybe it doesn’t count?

huh! i wonder how long is enough time for it to be legit. like whatever goes through your stomach immediately condemns you no matter if you throw it up later?

Well Persephone only ate 6 seeds so she only stayed 6 months, so maybe if you spat out most of it you’d just be condemned to the occasional day “BRB got go pay the two day toll for fellating a fairy.”

“you wanna come over for the weekend?”

“oh man im so sorry i sucked some fairy dick once and now i have to keep coming back to do it again– its a long story”

“you what now”

i can hardly believe this isn’t already the plot of an Oglaf comic

now that u said it im really surprised as well

what the fuck did i just read

Why ISN’T this an Oglaf comic yet?

I’m so happy that i’m not the only person who thinks of questions like these. I love you all so much.

I’m not convinced by this, actually!

Like, this analysis treats it as a substance problem, i.e. “edible matter from fairyland has properties that, if ingested, physically prevent you from being able to return to the real world.”

But OTOH, a recurring theme throughout fairy stories is that they’re all about…rules and exchanges and agreements with really steep interest rates:

• “I’ll do you this favor, but if you don’t guess my name you’ll have to give me your first-born child.”
• “You’re gonna be real good at everything but when you’re 16 you’re gonna prick your finger and die.”
• “You loaned me $2 for the bus when I looked like a beggar, so now here’s a literal pile of gold and shit.”

Not to mention that in Childe Rowland, one of the central “if you eat food from fairyland you’re stuck there” stories, Rowland manages to retrieve his siblings despite them all presumably having chowed down on fairy food – all it took was beating the Fairy King in a swordfight and threatening to chop his head off.

---

The takeaway, I think, is that the food thing a matter of implicit exchange: if you get your grub on in fairyland, you’re accepting their hospitality and eating food that they own. This means you owe them, which the fairies can magically leverage to prevent you from leaving.

(You can probably get around this by explicitly agreeing to pay for your meal before you sit down to eat. From what I remember, fairies don’t seem capable of pulling a “Haha, we had an agreement but you’re fucked anyways!” maneuver, so if they agree to let you leave they might even be forced to help you leave.)

---

Which brings us to the matter at hand: if you blow a fairy you’re doing them a favor! They owe you.

And…they’re a fairy, so if you didn’t agree to terms beforehand they might not repay you in a way that’s ultimately helpful or safe, but it certainly doesn’t seem like they’d be able to, like, pat you on the head and be like “Thanks, you’re really good at this buuuuuuut also you’re stuck here forever now.”

Instead, what seems more likely is…I dunno, showing up to your wedding years later and giving you a beautiful white horse that always comes when called, while loudly praising you as truly deserving it for giving them them simply the best oral they’ve had in years. 

Or they feel obligated to show up at your house a couple days a year. So, like

“you wanna come over for the weekend?”

“oh man I’m so sorry i sucked some fairy dick once and now he always comes by over memorial day weekend and helps me out with minor home repairs.”

“you what now”

This is my favorite act of intellectual bugfuckery on this entire website, when I die I want someone to print this out and place it in my grave with me so I can cherish it forever.

shelomit:

elucubrare:

september-before-a-rainfall
replied to your post “shelomit
replied to your post “Cheville”
…”

I never thought I’d see an Isaac Watts joke on my dash but here we are

1) @shelomit is wonderful 
2) I just remembered this but I haven’t read much Watts but I love him because he tried to write sapphics in English? 

1) I make Isaac Watts jokes all day, every day (although I have learned to only rarely state them aloud), and I really do have immense respect for Watts despite it all; 

2) The clunkiness is presumably why he terms them an “attempt” at English Sapphick.* I’ve actually written on the fascinating use of sapphics in hymnody, which is partially the direct result of this one Watts poem, but also partially the result of one particular tune that, as it were, invited additional and increasingly devotional sapphics to be set to it. And my boy Cowper contributed his piece to 11-11-11-5 visions of apocalyptic destruction, of course. 

*Woe to the Poetry Foundation for modernizing this clearly superior spelling!

sirfrogsworth:

I was walking to the kitchen to grab some leftover food and my mom had the TV on. Trump was giving a live statement about his bro time with Putin. And he sounded like he was basically trying to backpedal on almost everything that happened. 

And then I think I heard the biggest lie he has ever told. Which I think is quite the accomplishment for him. In his conference with Putin, when Trump was asked if Russia meddled… he said, “ I have President Putin; he just said it’s not Russia. I will say this: I don’t see any reason why it would be.“ 

He is now claiming he meant to say, "I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be.”

I stood there with my cold pizza in hand and was like, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??”

He’s trying to save his ass by changing a contraction. 

Unbelievable. 

The problem is, within the context of everything else he said, it makes no goddamn sense. 

He meant would. 

He said would. 

How much would could a woodtrump would, if a woodtrump could say would?

I’m interested to see how this is covered. Will the media call him out on this epic bullshit? Will his followers eat this up and spout it as the gospel truth?

Of course they will. 

But I hope everyone else takes to the streets and demands impeachment. This is maddening. 

neuroticpantomime:

softtrade:

It’s really interesting to see the different social reactions to Wal-Mart vs Amazon, it really shows that for quite a few people the distaste was for the class markers of the customers involved rather than any sort of actual problem w the destructive and extractivist nature of the business and labor model at play

Hell, i think that sort of dynamic always existed, just with Walmart vs Target instead, or some other slightly-above-poor big box

penwiper26:

janothar:

wombatking:

artisanbloodbank:

hubblegleeflower:

twentyonelizards:

wombatking:

newtgeiszler:

jesterofthetraveler:

I agree john mulaney is probably an immortal akin to beings such as keanu reeves and jeff goldblum but he’s like a new born baby immortal who is looking at the long long expanse of a lifetime he has in front of him and is already tired

jeff golblum is thousands of years old and loving it. john mulaney was born in 1901 and ever since 1924 it’s gone downhill for him

So to be clear, the immortal timeline seems to be:

John Mulaney – early 20th century

Eric Andre – Probably 17th century or so.

Taika Waititi – Elizabethan age, probably hung out with Shakespeare

Keanu Reeves – We think sometime around Alexander the Great, but he seems to have just sprung up fully formed.

Jeff Goldblum – 100% Biblical times, may or may not be King Solomon.

Tommy Wiseau – Indeterminate, may be the first Homo Sapiens.

this is david lynch erasure

Who are the female immortals?

Jenny Slate – Jazz Age Darling, bffs with Alice Roosevelt

Helena Bonham Carter – Refused an invitation to dine with Queen Victoria based on her treatment of the Irish

Lucy Liu – ran away from home to join Ching Shih, 19th century Pirate Queen’s crew. Was considered too soft for fighting and was given an accordion

Bjork – 14th century Icelandic healer accused of witchcraft, also possibly a selkie

Whoopie Goldberg – present during the Conquest of Constantinople but don’t bring it up around her, it’s too fresh in her mind

Tilda Swinton – found sleeping in a peat bog. Carbon dating inconclusive

Also!

Morena Baccarin – Pirate captain dating to the 17th century. Has dozens of identities around the world.

Judi Dench – Has been 75 for roughly 800 years. Still spry as hell. Quite possibly was both Queen Victoria and Queen Elizabeth the first, then went on to play them in movies.

We JUST discussed this! Don’t forget Anne Hathaway, who was married to Shakespeare and is still just totally chill.

Bernadette Peters – married money in the late medieval period, poisoned him, then used her fortune to commission reredos paintings for which she sat as a model. Then she resold the paintings and made a second killing. Still has a copy of the Borgia recipe book. Hasn’t seen fit to kill anyone in years, but would you fuck with her?